


Wormwood

by ghoulhunt



Series: Of Herbs and Affections [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, consensual tsukikane week 2015, this is actually sad and it wasn't supposed to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 20:23:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5469737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulhunt/pseuds/ghoulhunt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Absence.<br/>Tsukiyama feels alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wormwood

“Shuu.”

“…What did you say?”

“I asked where you keep sneaking off to.”

Shuu Tsukiyama feels his stomach flip at the words said over the line.

More frequently than not, Shuu has been staying away from home. It’s been about three weeks since he’s actually stayed for a full day. He doesn’t spend the night in the large mansion, and he only goes there now to change out his laundry and pack new clothes nicely into the duffel bag next to his legs.

The room he is in is dim, lit only by a single lamp tucked into the corner of the room. His blue hair is dark and his fringe is ruffled in front of his eyes. His posture is as straight as could possibly be, but his black, tailored shirt is wrinkled and he looks disgruntled.

Kaneki had left the room almost as soon as his phone started to ring. The room smells of him. Shuu finds it comforting, now that he’s been staying his nights here, and finds that it is particularly so in this situation. It’s residual; but he also knows that the younger adult is standing right outside of the closed door.

“I’ve been doing business.” He says.

“Don’t lie to me, Shuu.” Matsumae’s words sting him. Technically, he isn’t lying; he _has_ been conducting business, just not the usual sort. He’s been giving information to Kaneki and the rest of the group. He’s been finding people he knows and learning all sorts of things he did not previously know about a certain person. He’s been keeping track of all of this information in a notebook and has people keeping tabs on the people who he knows he can get more information from.

He just can’t tell Matsumae that.

Shuu sighs. He’s unsure what to say. “I’ve been staying at a few friend’s place. It’s nothing to be worried about, Matsumae. I just need to get out of the house more, it’s no fun being in there all the time.”

There’s a responding sigh over the line. “Understandable, but I do think your father is worried. If you could return home, even for a night, I think it would put him at ease.”

He ponders the suggestion. He really hasn’t seen much of his father, he’s realized. They haven’t been as close. When he’s home, his father is tucked away asleep in bed. When his father is awake, Shuu is gone off somewhere else, most likely tucked into the neatly made bed that he and Kaneki share. The two haven’t properly seen each other in weeks, maybe months, between him going to college as well, and trying hard to be a responsible adult by taking care of himself without the help of servants.

He chuckles quietly. “Of course, Matsumae. How about I return for dinner tonight, if it’s doable?”

“Of course, it’s doable. I will start preparations then. Take care.” She says.

“And you as well. Goodbye.” With his farewell, he ends the call and takes a seat on the bed.

“You can come in, Kaneki.” He says loudly.

The doorknob clicks and the door swings open, revealing the white haired Kaneki standing with a concerned look on his face.

Kaneki can obviously smell the reluctance radiating off of Shuu. It’s probably why he looks so concerned.  He walks over to the bed and sits down, leaning his head against the shoulder of the taller ghoul.

“Is everything okay?” Kaneki asks him.

Shuu nods. “Everything’s fine, _mon chéri.”_

Kaneki takes a deep breath. “Okay, well…don’t hesitate to tell me anything if something is the matter and you need to get it out.”

The air is quiet within the cold grey walls. The two sit, taking in each other’s presence for the time being. It’s nice to know that Shuu has at least someone to talk to. Someone who would be willing to listen to what he has to say, and what’s really on his mind.

He wonders if he should take the opportunity.

“I’m going home for the night,” He mumbles to Kaneki. He feels the pressure of his head lift as he looks at Shuu, catching his sight out of the corner of his eye. He sees the half ghoul nod his head.

“Do you miss home?”

Shuu wants to say sometimes. Sometimes he misses the feel of his own large bed, or the presence of Kanae standing next to him as he gets ready. Sometimes he misses walking around the courtyard, where the bushes are all nicely trimmed in intricate detail of animals and patterns. He misses the sunrise that appears through the windows of the piano room, bright and flooding the space with the golden glows of the bright star’s rays. He misses the way he would hear the soft voice of Matsumae trying to wake him up after sleeping in for too long on a Sunday morning.

Perhaps more than anything, though, he misses the feeling of company. At home, there was no hostility towards him. There was no distrust. He was always surrounded by people, even if they weren’t paying direct attention to him. There was his father, who was always available for measly conversation in the wee hours of the morning, and Kanae to play the violin with him when he would caress his fingers against the keys of the grand piano. He feels so lonely now, even with Kaneki.

Kaneki, who lays next to him in bed at night, who sits next to him in the day, and reads with him whenever time is possible. The love of his life makes him feel like the loneliest person.

 “A bit. Yes.” Shuu replies quietly. “Maybe going there for a little while will fix that though.”

Kaneki smiles. Shuu smiles back.

“I will be home tomorrow, though. I promise.”

Shuu leans down slowly and kisses Ken softly. His lips are soft and his cheek is smooth underneath his fingertips. Kaneki, in response, kisses Shuu just as passionately, and brushes the swept fringe out of Shuu’s face.

It’s an embrace he wishes that could last forever.

Shuu is the one to pull away; he leans his forehead against Kaneki’s, the faint ghost of a smile playing against his lips.

“Tomorrow, then.”

* * *

Shuu goes to the mansion, and is greeted by his father.

“Welcome home.”

He brings his bag up to his room and leaves his phone there. Tonight, he plans on spending as much time with those he knows.

He follows Kanae outside, who is excited to see him after being gone for so long. They go to the garden, and they plant roses. Shuu takes the hose from the wall to water one of the beds, and accidentally sprays Kanae with the hose. He lets out a small yelp of surprise, and chases Shuu across the solarium with the watering can, pouring a stream of water down his back. They both land on the floor, laughing like fools in the center of the greenhouse, covered in dirt and soaked with water.

He goes up into his room after parting ways with the teen, and takes a shower in his bathroom. He changes into something more suitable for dinner, and heads down to the large dining room where his father is already sitting. They eat their filleted meat, Shuu’s dish consisting of a grilled piece of thigh with a zest of some human spice tolerable enough to add flavor. They make small talk and laugh, converse light topics. It’s a nice feeling, after being surrounded by dark matters for so long.

Mirumo tells him that he’s proud of him. Shuu takes a bite of his dinner. He feels guilty; some of the things he’s done that his father does not know about are anything but something to be proud of. He quietly thanks his father. He bids him goodnight and returns to his room.

Shuu wraps himself up in his large white comforter in the large, swollen bed centered against the back wall of the room. He shuts the light off and turns on his side to try and sleep.

The room is too large and quiet. It echoes with every noise, even his own breath. The sheets of his bed engulf him in a sea of warmth. The darkness is overwhelming.

 There is no one beside him.

What he had missed was the company. So why is it, when he’s in this manor with more than enough people in it, that he still feels alone? Why is it that after spending quality time with the people who truly know him, that he still feels as though something is missing?

It’s something that won’t leave his mind. Shuu tries to go to sleep, many, many times, and it’s late into the night when he decides that he just can’t.

He needs Kaneki.

He rolls to one side of the bed and turns a lamp on. His cell phone his charging right beside it. He takes it off the charger and dials the number he knows by heart.

There’s barely a ring before the voice he’s been waiting to hear answers. “…Tsukiyama?” A tired voice is heard.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

There’s an occurring silence between the lines.

“Kaneki, I don’t want to be alone here. I don’t want to be alone when I go back to the hideout.”

“Tsukiyama…is, everything going okay over there?”

“Everything is fine here. It is just a constant dread that carries its own weight. I feel alone when I’m here, when I’m in the hideout, when I’m with you. I thought that maybe by spending time here, with those who know me…things would be alright.”

Shuu has to hold back the burning sensation starting in his eyes.

“Shuu, I…you aren’t alone, okay? I feel the same, sometimes. When you come back we need to spend time together, just by ourselves. We’re going to read and do things unrelated to what we’re already doing. I miss you. I don’t want you to be alone.”

“Okay.” He says in an affirming tone.

He hears a small laugh from Kaneki. “If you were alone, I wouldn’t have answered the phone in the dead of night, would I now?”

“I… suppose not.” Shuu laughs.

A continuation of laughter is heard from both ghouls, small and comforting chuckles and giggles, helping each other in the silent nighttime. It’s pleasant.

It makes him feel a little better.

“Well, goodnight Shuu, I love you.” Kaneki drawls quietly.

“Goodnight, my love.”

The phone call ends.

Shuu smiles as he drifts asleep, dreams of his love dancing around in his head.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day one of Consensual Tsukikane Week, for the prompt confessions.  
> Wormwood is associated with bitterness, but also, absence, hence the title and theme of this fic, which wasn't supposed to be sad to begin with.


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